Boy, are my arms tired! Witching Hour. As if the world needs another pundit.

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Oh, Promise Me. . . Equal Rights

Gays and Lesbians, it seems, want to embrace every failing heterosexual institution from marriage to the military. Why anyone would want to adopt mainstream societal traditions — like wanting to be a part of the regressive Catholic Church when the Pope believes gays are going to hell — at a time during which many of those customs have come to seem appallingly outdated is open to debate. However, it remains true that if everyone is to be equal in our land of the free, then equivalent rights must be extended to all.

If right-wing demagogues insist that two-parent families, married couples and all the other trapping of time-honored "normal" life are to be upheld, then it only makes sense that these rights should be extended to anyone trying to honor them. If they thought much about it, they'd see that it was only a matter of time before this change came to pass. For instance, it was less than 100 years ago that much of America believed that women did not have the intellectual capacity to vote (or own property, or work outside the home, or have the right not to be beaten by their husbands). It was even more recently that much of America believed that African Americans should not drink from the same, public, water fountains as whites. Or, even more mundanely, it was only a decade ago that most Americans thought it was a smoker's right to blow toxic fumes wherever they went. All of these notions were radically altered over time.

That gays and lesbians will achieve governmental permission to marry seems inevitable. When this will happen is still an unanswered question. That the debate is being carried on so vociferously now, during a presidential campaign when the right wing has unprecedented power in the form of the current administration, and in George W. Bush, born-again Christian, in particular, is notable. That the left, that would in many instances align itself with just this kind of equal-rights legislation, is being forced to discuss this divisive issue at this juncture is unfortunate. The left has, for at least a decade, moved to the middle of American politics to try to capture the "swing-voters," and this is not a topic that a middle-of-the-road candidate like John Kerry could possibly relish when trying to position himself at the mushy center of public opinion.

It is almost as if this whole issue is not only something of a red herring to distract voters from more salient problems like the collapsing economy and pre-emptive warfare, but also a crazy kind-of-gift that gays and lesbians are handing to the right-wing with which Republicans will be able to garner the support of the unenlightened. Does this mean homosexuals should take a breather on this issue and keep it out of the headlines until a time comes when the white house has been secured by a friendlier, potential ally? Probably not. Change occurs within society in an organic fashion. Perhaps now is the moment to take up this fight, despite all the pitfalls of timing, because justice must be sought after at every juncture, not only when it is politically advantageous.

If gays and lesbians demanding their rights somehow becomes seen as the single matter that thwarts a Democratic presidency once again, it is possible that the DNC will turn on homosexuals and blame them for the loss, just as they blamed Ralph Nader in 2000 for stealing Al Gore's votes. However, that will be an easy out for a party that has not had the nerve to differentiate itself from the Republicans on issues as wide ranging as gifting a rabid war-mongering president with the power to wage unilateral war to shipping American jobs overseas though free-trade agreements.

Gays and lesbians are going to have to make stronger alliances with all other disenfranchised, minority voters before they will have the political strength to win this battle. They will have to reach out to African Americans and Latinos and feminists and the leaders of any other group who can remember what it is like to be kept down. Maybe then, when they have built their own coalition and done all the work, will the Democrats fully embrace their constitutional rights to equality. Maybe then, senators like John Kerry will raise the banner for marriage and not secondary, contractual unions for non-heterosexuals.

In the meantime, gays and lesbians should not be afraid to go to San Francisco or Massachusetts or any country, state or city that will allow them to marry. It is their due as human beings — not to mention, taxpayers — and only a matter of time before that right is widely acknowledged. It is also only a matter of time, perhaps a much longer time, before all individuals will have to reevaluate whether or not marriage, the church or the military are institutions worth supporting at all. But we don't live in that world yet.

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Queer, my ass!

There is something hideously dull about the form that gay weddings are taking. Like their straight counterparts, marriages between members of the same sex, seem to be filled with the same, clichéd traditions passed down from the model of ye olde royal court that have been in vogue for centuries.

It goes like this: The bride (of either sex) is deemed queen for the day. This was a probably a necessary fantasy during the days when women left the altar to face a lifetime of relentless labor or early death in childbirth. Bridesmaids, otherwise known as ladies in waiting, not only wait on the queen for the duration, but,more importantly, for their own husbands. The groom is attended to by his knights / friends, who make sure to get him very drunk since he is trading independence for regular sex, and is wondering if that is an adequate bargain.

The wedding takes place in a public arena, like a church or a cliff in Malibu. Afterwards, a party is held featuring food, libations and music. Next, drunken guests make speeches and then the bride and groom perform the ritual of cutting the cake and smashing it in each other's faces. (Signifying what, utter disrespect?) Afterwards, the bride removes her garter and throws it to the single men. Again, this act was likely more rousing in times when women actually wore stockings and were trading them in for the next ten years for a washtub full of diapers. Then the bride throws her bouquet to the "maids", each of whom vies to catch it to ensure marrying next. Last, the bride and groom run to their honeymoon destination through a hailstorm of rice with their wedding booty in tow.

Almost none of what goes on at a wedding makes sense in today's world. First of all, the cost of even a cheap wedding is about $10K. Expensive weddings can top $2 million. That cost includes catering, locations, invitations, dresses, etc. It does not include the cost to the guests, who are compelled to bring gifts whether or not the couple needs anything to set up housekeeping — which most don't — or whether they think the marriage will last more than nine months. All of this for ONE SINGLE DAY, PEOPLE!

Though gays have the opportunity to preconceive the wedding based on new paradigms, most don't, and opt instead for this hackneyed ritual. They all want to be queens for the day, plus, they want the gifts. Take a look at the site for the LA Gay and Lesbian Wedding Expo if you don't believe it. It is where a homosexual couple can plan the boring, heterosexual wedding of their dreams.