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IT'S GAY, BUT IS IT FUNNY?
Last May, I began writing for the satirical website Fake Gay News. It’s based on the Onion model, only written by lesbians about GLBT issues. This framework constrains the humor, but a portion of it is quite funny despite the limitations posed by political correctness.
Within two weeks after starting, Erosion Media, the company that owns Fake Gay News and sister sites After Ellen and After Elton, was sold to Logo, the gay cable station. Logo, itself, is owned by MTV which is, in turn, owned by corporate media behemoth, Viacom. So, it looks like I’m writing for Viacom, which will really spiff-up my resume.
It’s intriguing to see which of my stories FGN will post, and which get rejected. For instance, they liked one about how children raised by same sex couples were just as unruly as children from straight homes. Yet, they didn't post one about “dolphin safe” lesbian underwear. I suspect that some of the stories they reject are just not that funny — although I wouldn't swear that was the criteria. Still, this wouldn't be the first time I'm the only one laughing at my jokes.
Here is one that didn't make their cut. You be the judge.
 Pat Robertson Blames Global Warming on Hot Air from Lesbian Talk Shows
During his 700 Club broadcast last Sunday, televangelist Pat Robertson told followers that proliferation of lesbian talk shows was the real cause of global warming.
“All those Ellens and Rosies on TV with their endless talk, talk, talk, are emitting harmful hot air into an already overheated atmosphere. And I predict that as soon as O’Donnell joins The View, Americans will feel the wrath of God in ways that make Hurricane Katrina look like a walk in the park.”
Robertson, like many powerful leaders from the Christian right, has, until now, agreed with the Bush administration on its stance that “the jury was still out” on the causes of global warming, and could not be credibly attributed to human interference. But in this startling turn-around he admitted, “I now firmly believe that people are the cause of the greenhouse effect and all its manifestations from polar meltdowns to freak storms. Not because good, Christian families exercise their God-given right to burn one gallon of gas for every ten miles they drive in their SUVs, but because gays just won’t stop the witty banter.”
Standing in front of a graphic illustrating hurricane activity during the last four decades Robertson said. “It’s clear that the frequency and severity of storms rose dramatically in the mid-1990s. And it’s no coincidence that this was the very time frame during which lesbian Rosie O’Donnell was hosting her daytime program. And don’t get me started on Ellen’s dancing. Talk is cheap, but aerobic activity really makes my blood — and God’s — boil.”
Don Righwood, a spokesperson from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration could not confirm the science behind Robertson’s theory. “As far as we can tell,” said Rightwood, “Paul Lynde and Charles Nelson Reilly spent years chatting up Merv Griffin and it never caused even one gloomy day — much less a category four hurricane.”
Still, Roberston, long noted for his thoughtful rhetoric — like when he called for the assassination of Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez or claimed to be able to leg press 2,000 lbs.— is not shaken by government statistics. “Science scmience,” he responded. “If we listened to scientists we’d all believe in evolution or that the earth was round. Sheesh!”
Robertson further admonished his flock for pushing the ratings of lesbian television programs into Emmy-winning territory. “Sure they seem like nice women. Sure they like children and care about the state of the world. Sure, they’re entertaining. But, that’s not what matters. What matters is that every time you tune into one of their shows, you’re not watching me. And if my ratings go down, there will surely be hell to pay.
LAZY SUZANNE ARCHIVE -CURRENT- 2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12
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Merriam Webster Throws “Pride” to Gays and Lions
Each year, the venerable Merriam Webster dictionary adds a few words to its alphabetical tome that have become part of common parlance. Seldom, however, does it change the meaning of an existing term. Yet, last month, in deference to American slang, the wordsmiths at M-W removed all references to heterosexuals from the definition of the workmanlike noun, “pride”, forcing many to find another way to express a sense of self-esteem.
“Let’s face it,” said Horace Smith, head lexicographer for the publishing giant, “almost any mention of pride these days is just an abbreviation for the phrase “gay pride,” or “GLBT pride” — which is more than a mouthful. We decided to make it easy on everyone and just omit any definitions of the word that didn’t refer to rousing parades, GLBT events or basic rainbow consciousness. The only exception was made for lions, who will still be able to use the term to talk about themselves in the plural.”
While this change makes it clear what is meant by phrases like: “Should I get a spray-on tan for pride next week?” or “Over my dead body are you wearing that to pride,” it has left a hole in the language for the general public when attempting to make reference to feelings of self-worth.
Smith suggests a possible new word, “proudiness,” to fill the gap. “For instance, one could say, ‘Despite repeatedly dropping her son on his head, Britney Spears feels proudiness over her accomplishments as a mother.’ Or, ‘President Bush thinks Barbara and Jenna are a disappointment, but his dog Barney, is his proudiness and joy.’”
While, the switch will be simple for most to make during daily conversation, publishers will have a harder time excising “pride” from books, magazines and other previously published works. The already besieged Catholic Church will feel the most pressure when having to modify all mentions of the first Deadly Sin in its Catechism. In a statement issued by the Vatican press office, church officials said, “We don’t have the financial resources to fight the “Da Vinci Code” and this, too.
For others, however, the change is an unexpected boon. Freelance copy editor Zoe Wright, already has more work than she can handle correcting books about Cardinal baseball great, Dizzy Dean, the “Proudiness of St. Louis,” and Jane Austen’s novel “Proudiness and Prejudice”.
“This is just the tip of the iceberg,” said Wright. “Once I’m done with historical works, there are all the self-help titles. I’ve even got my eye on a sweet, little condo I thought I could never afford.”
Merriam Webster’s Smith, answered publishers’ outcries by asserting that, “Any costs or confusion our decision generates will be mitigated by the long-awaited streamlining that will occur within the English language in reference to GLBT celebrations. The only way to change our decision will be through an act of Congress, and they’re too busy trying to redefine marriage to bother with this.”
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